Written by Ben Willis
I’m currently writing a play about how monumentally fucked the British political system is. Artsy, I know, aren’t I just your oh so typical la-de-da champagne socialist/urbanite yuppie/prick. But regardless of me, the system is clearly broken.
I’ll be brutally honest, I hate UKIP, I really dislike them. The only real thing I have in common with Farage, besides petty things like ethnicity, is the fact we are both horrible arseholes, and then only one of us has the self-awareness to admit such. Apart from that, chalk and cheese. But even I can see the bastards have been hard done by this recent election. They got a significant percentage of the vote share, exactly what percentage, I can’t remember, if I were a real journalist I’d look it up, but I am both too lazy and… actually that’s the only reason. I’m not a real journalist, never mistake for one, I’m a banana. And banana’s can’t be journalists.
Obviously some kind of proportional system would be nice; there were some lovely little protests to that effect last week. I didn’t go to them. I’m a banana, and bananas can’t protest. Even when you eat them, or fry them, or put them on pancakes and smother them with maple… Sorry, lost my trail of thought there.
A proportional system would be great, only it removes local representatives, which I like. I like having a local MP I can go shout and swear and hurl general non-threatening abuse at, nothing more serious than, ‘I think your eyebrows are a bit shit,’ that kinda stuff. Local MPs provide an oh-so-punch-able face for politics, a punch-able face that must be kept. If politicians aren’t there for punching, then what are they for?
My favourite alternative to our current system is STV. I’m not going to tell you what it is; I’m a banana, not a journalist. And anyway, I’m sure you can use google. You’re not an idiot, statistically speaking at any rate.
It’s not just the lack of true representation of the people which makes our system shitty.
In his 2010 election campaign, Prime Monster and chief Android of the nation CameronBot 2.0, went on and bloody on about “fixing our broken politics.”
A bit like a broken record. HARDEY HA I made a witty joke reader. Laugh. LAUGH DAMNIT.
Anyway, the robot was right, even if what he said was incredibly badly phrased. (Appealing to the idiot vote perchance?)
People too often than not vote for the party or face and not the policies or ideals. Which is monumentally stupid of them, and this is the crux of my play (yes we are returning to this, yes I am a shameless, fuck off and leave me alone), when people vote for the face, they are voting for a collection of ultimately meaningless skin-cells on some sweaty face, not the things that actually effect them.
How many of the 36% actually voted for scrapping the Human Rights Act, compared to how many voted for Cameron because he looks ‘statesmanly’, what ever that tripe means. Personally I find leopards quite statesmanly, and bananas, but I wouldn’t elect one to run anything apart from the insides of my stomach – the banana that is, not the leopard.
Anyway, where was I?
The gist of what I’m saying is. Our system is broken, very. Fundamentally broken. Like Michael Gove’s brain. If it can elect this Tory government, it can elect anything: a banana for instance, a banana like me.
Which reminds me, I’m starting my election campaign today. Banana for Prime Minister.
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